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Little Pony Heaven Rehab Hospital

I have encountered many ponies in my travels. But some have needed special help to get back on the pony road to recovery. Meet these ponies, and discover for yourself how they've managed to reclaim their lives.

Mary Jane
Mary Jane Pony had a difficult childhood, which resulted in truancy from school. Falling into the "wrong crowd", Mary Jane cut class to spend time in a vegetarian beat cafe. Here, she befriended various undesirable down-and-outs who, along with their brainwashing New Age nonsense, introduced Mary Jane to herbs of an illegal nature.

Mary Jane grabbed the chance to flee from her mental stagnation, but her escape tunnel proved to be a dead end. Thankfully, she regained her senses enough to admit herself to Little Pony Heaven. Mary Jane has since proved herself a calming influence, especially in the Nursery, where she teaches the baby ponies basket-weaving. She has also applied her knowledge of herbs in a more medicinal way, in the Pharmacy. And her love of nature is demonstrated by her Sunday afternoon lone rambles, which always seem to give her a sense of calm serenity.

Teeny Tiny Twins Pritt and Stick
Pritt and Stick were sent to Little Pony Heaven by Social Services, who took them into care from their grandfather. This ancient, war-torn Big Brother had fought a losing battle with senility, and in his later years had suffered hallucinations of the dreaded Glue Factory (where ponies are melted down into glue). His nightmare screams echoed through to the nursery where Pritt and Stick cowered under their plankets, waiting for the Glue Man to load them into his Glue Van.

These impressionable twins needed several months of careful counselling - and still shake at the sign of superglue. But they are putting their nightmares behind them, and every day, in every way, are getting better and better.

Smack and Crack Newborn Twins
Smack and Crack were found orphaned, shivering in a cardboard box by the smouldering remains of a bin fire. Their mother had been thrown out by her owner, and life on the streets hit her hard. She took solace in hard drugs, an addiction she passed on to her babies while pregnant. Soon after their arrival, Smack and Crack's mother was savaged by a stray Rottweiler, an attack which left the two tiny ponies motherless, scared and alone in a big city.

Luckily, a kind roadsweep contacted Little Pony Heaven, and I swooped in to rescue them. They overcame a difficult cold turkey rehab period, a time which tested their inner strength and will to live. Now Smack is demonstrating promising artistic talent, and Crack is showing a natural ability at football.

Impulse Sweetheart Sister
Permed hair, curls defined by buckets of gel, Impulse sweeps through the Sanctuary leaving a lingering smell of cheap perfume behind her. Her big-name sportswear addiction is matched only by her love of solvents and B-movies.

Impulse hung around with her friends outside 7-11 day and night until she was picked up by the truant police for shoplifting and sentenced to community service.

It was at Little Pony Heaven that I discovered Impulse's uncanny ability to solve complex mathematical problems. She has since gained admission to Harvard, where she starts next year.

Princess Juniper and the Gin Palace, with Tonic the Terrapin
This UK Exclusive playset, an elaborate ramshackle castle with a right royal owner, carried a price tag too hefty for most ponies. This may go some way to explaining Princess Juniper's belief that, while all ponies are equal, some ponies are more equal than others. Once Pony society's Belle of the Ball, hard times hit Princess Juniper and Tonic, so that at one point they were reduced to a travelling cabaret magic act who ran a burger stand on the side. Arriving by chance at Little Pony Heaven one day, Princess Juniper finally came to her booze-addled senses, realised she needed help and signed in.

Much to Tonic's relief (he was never much good at card tricks, and his assistant was rarely sober enough to cover up for him), Princess Juniper has kicked the gin in the bin, and now cajoles and bullies the other ponies into attending elaborate fundraising socials in aid of Little Pony Heaven. Her events run with military precision, and her cut-glass braying can often be heard wafting over the hills, instructing hapless Big Brother ponies in the latest fashionable ways to put up bunting.

Clean 'n' Tidy, Ship Shape and Baby Nice 'n' Neat
Compulsive-Obsessive Loving Family

This loving family truly believe that cleanliness is next to godliness. Clean 'n' Tidy's obsession with vacuuming (three times daily) stemmed from her traditional background, while Ship Shape's compulsive tidying grew from his experience as a boy at public school. (That's UK for private school, US ponies - don't you just love those quirks!) With these two for parents, it was no surprise that Baby Nice 'n' Neat would admire his MIB toys from afar and rearrange the boxes into pleasing geometrical patterns rather than play with them.

Forcibly ejected from their suburban home by the neighbours (they'd had enough), I admitted them to Little Pony Heaven and gave them each a duster. No one else has had to clean up since! (Though Baby Nice 'n' Neat has been heard to mumble "Mud, mud, glorious mud" in his sleep....)

Silly Sales
Proof that a wealthy upbringing doesn't buy a happy life, Silly Sales was sent to Little Pony Heaven by her credit card company. They could not see an alternative - her compulsive shopping was making an impact on the National Debt. Aside from keeping several dotcoms in business, Silly Sales' spending was destabilizing the Stock Exchange, and bankrupting her respectable Flat Foot family.

I had to cut up Silly Sales' store cards on her admittance - they filled a binbag. Her shoes alone arrived in a Pickfords lorry. But after three weeks cut off from Switch machines and bijoux boutiques, Silly Sales was transformed.

She became hooked on politics, and now preaches anti-capitalist insurrection to anyone who will listen. She can be found at the local shopping centre each Saturday, selling Socialist Worker and proffering petitions for the release of political prisoners the world over. One of our greatest successes.

Credit: This page would not have been possible without the inspiration of Evil Dead Pony, who provided the spark and encouraged a UK Exclusive range of "Ponies They Never Made". You can see her work at her Quacker County site.

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