Pony-Terrorizing Children
(PTCs)
Background
Little is known about the motivation behind PTC attacks. Social workers
have tried to extract explanations from PTCs, but are generally met with
a grunting "Dunno".
Various theories have been proferred: pony deprivation at a young age;
an older sibling refusing to share their precious toys; pathological ponicidal
tendencies.
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| PTCs look so sweet from the outside... |
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| But they are evil on the inside! Evil, I tell you! |
One thing is for sure: PTCs are all around us. Some may now have respectable
jobs, even children (probably PTCs themselves). And while PTCs may carry
weapons (marker pens, scissors) to all extents and purposes they appear,
superficially at least, to be normal children.
How to spot a PTC
Shorter and noisier than adult human beings, the PTC can be distinguished
from pony-friendly children (PFCs) by the following characteristics:
- Wielding scissors or black marker pens
- Locks of pony hair stuck to clothes
- Evil grin on face; devilish eyebrows
- Walking a dog with addiction to chew toys
- Sound of crying in their wake as PFCs discover their beloved toys
ruined
Rehabilitation or punishment?
No actual studies have been carried out to test the best method of dissuading
a PTC from committing repeat offences. But at Little Pony Heaven, we believe
that tough love is often the best sort of love - leading to stronger,
healthier, well-adjusted people and ponies. Mild correction, in the
form of an appropriate, yet ultimately harmless, punishment can often
work wonders.
I offer these suggestions below to you for consideration:
For a PTC who's free with a marker pen
Inscribe your initials on their feet in indelible black ink. Then encourage
the PTC towards the box of custom bait in the corner. The PTC may have
no way to express its frustrated creativity.
For a repeat offence, write across its forehead.
For a PTC who's free with the scissors
Cut the front half of its fringe (bangs) off. Be sure to leave a nice,
jagged line.
You could also buy it some Barbies to play with. They look butt ugly whatever
their haircut.
For a PTC who's amputated a pony limb
This is serious.
Cut the leg/arm (whichever you prefer) off its favourite teddy bear.
Keep the severed limb and toy in a box until the child has reformed.
If the PTC offends again, cry "Teddy's bleeding! Oh no! Look, he's
going to die!" while waving the teddy in the air out of their reach.
If you do it right, stuffing should fall out. Tears of remorse should soon follow.
For a PTC who's muddied and grimed a pony beyond repair
I am reminded of the poor Baby Sticky found by Goddenport who was filled
with doggy doo... Ponies are pretty resilient, but some reach a stage beyond
repair.
Scratched symbols, scuffed noses and feet.... these are all marks
of the well-loved pony. But a pony dragged through mud (or worse)?
Smear mud over their school uniform/clothes. Then refuse to wash it.
Hey, they might find out how to use the washing machine. Then they can
take on washing your So-Softs and plushes for you.
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