Daily Schedule of a Pony Widower

8:00am

Wake up. The ponies are staring at me. I swear they've changed places during the night. Especially the Mountain Boy ponies. They're laughing at me.

8:30am

Get out of bed. Trip over ponies.

8:31am

Apologise profusely to distressed girlfriend. Attempt to rearrange Bow Tie's mane. Fail miserably.

8:32am

Go downstairs. Go to bathroom. Sea Ponies are staring at me - I swear they've changed places during the night.

8:50am

Hear a knock at the door. It's the postman, struggling under the weight of boxes from the US and Surrey. Sign for ponies while girlfriend whoops with joy. "So Soft Truly!" she cries. "Quite, dear." I reply. Am now thoroughly confused.

9:30am

Go to work. Blissfully pony-free.

12:30pm

Meet girlfriend for lunch. Am dragged round fleamarket and 3 charity shops. No ponies. Console girlfriend while eating chicken sandwich.

1:30pm

Return to work. Oh, the quiet! Oh, the lack of technicolour plastic!

1:35pm

Fall asleep.

5:50pm

Wake up in time to catch supermarket before it closes. Buy food. Avoid products with pony names. No Buttons or Milky Ways in this house. I have to draw the line somewhere.

6:30pm

Return home. Clean house, cook dinner while girlfriend checks Ebay. Cheerings and sobbings are met with tissues when appropriate.

7:30pm

Girlfriend eats dinner and talks ponies. Nod at suitable intervals. Discover I've agreed to buy her a 'Mimic'. Wonder what that means. Oh well, can't cost more than a fiver.

9:30pm

Watch TV while girlfriend talks ponies online. At least now it's to someone else.

11:00pm

Go to bed. Fall asleep while girlfriend reads pony stories.

12:00am

Dream of ponies chasing me and laughing. All night.